In the middle of becoming

My view on transitions, choice and becoming a mother.

Here we are, almost 9 months in. My biggest conscious transformation so far. Yet also one of the most gradual ones. The people who know me, know that I often go cold turkey. 

Lets go on a biking trip. Have you ever done long distance biking before? No but I think I can. 

When I quit my job people asked, do you already have a plan B? No but we’ll figure it out. 

My normal way into transitions is to jump. 

But I didn’t jump into this one. 

Letting the idea grow

Sebastiaan and I had been talking about kids for years, and I was the slow adapter in this storyline. Even before we decided to start trying, I gave myself a year to get used to the idea of becoming a mom. Over time, the choice became mine; solid, grounded and something I could fully stand behind. That was stage 1. 

Then, all of a sudden, you’re carrying a little tiny human inside of you. It’s wonderful, terrifying, difficult at times, abstract and yet incredibly real. At one point you realise you already love someone you have never held in your arms before (and who, at the same time, is stealing all your resources ;)). 

Finding a new rhythm

You have to shift, you have to adapt. As I’ve done in transitions before, as we all have to do when going through a change. You have to level your playing field, recalibrate. Slow down and listen more closely. Pregnancy forced that in a good way. It helped me set boundaries and choose for me (or for us - which made it easier for myself). 

The hardest part of transitions is that you have to let go of some parts of yourself. The parts that don’t serve you anymore, but have been core to who you are. So here I was, journaling in a cafe, realising that I was saying goodbye to a version of me. 

It touched me. It triggered me. And it reminded me. This is where the real work happens. Yes, there is a fear that parts of what I do or who I am, will change. Although I firmly believe the core of who I am won’t and I’ll put in the work to keep that intact. 

Making way for what's next

So yes, what I’m learning is that every transition, whether it’s becoming a parent, starting over, or letting go, asks the same thing: that we step out of what’s familiar and make room for what’s next.

It’s not always a clean break. Sometimes there’s grief in growth. Sometimes there’s fear in joy. But change doesn’t need to be dramatic to be meaningful. It just needs to be acknowledged.

Right now, I’m in the in-between. Not who I was, not quite who I’ll be. And that’s okay. There’s something steady about accepting that. 

So we’ll see. And when she’s here, I’ll jump in. Just like I’ve always done. Because at some point, preparation ends and the adventure begins.